In a drastic, last-stitch (no pun intended) effort to squeeze in to my bridesmaid dress in four days, I’ve gone ano. And by “ano” I of course mean pseudo anorexic (PA). I’m only on day two and already feel ornery, disoriented, lethargic, and half asleep. But on the plus side, the hairy fuzz that’s grown all over my body keeps me toasty in the office!!!!!! (Side note: the fuzz is not a direct result of PA but of birthright).
Now, Ellen, anorexia is not something to joke about. Well, cyber mom, it is when it’s temporarily self-inflicted and for a good cause (Bridal Hotmess 2000). And again it’s not anorexia – it’s PA, the more mild and doctor-approved form of the deadly eating disorder. Fruits, vegetables, chicken brats, and occasional Hersey’s Nuggets shall sustain me until MEATAPALOOZA (groom’s dinner on Friday). And we all know what happens when large piles of meat surround yours truly… All bets are off. And in the event that a small pig crosses my path whilst standing in all of my bridesmaidial glory, I will instinctively shred off my dainty dress and Cujo its ass.
Why did I wait until THE last minute to try and get into shape? Dang my procrastination habits! It wasn’t all by choice, however; it was mostly due to circumstances. Summer just reeks of endless patio happy hours, goodbye parties, BBQs wrapped in BBQs, weddings, bachelorette parties, island vacations, and Iowan adventures. Too much good food and booze to pass up. For example, please meet my new favorite drink – Blackout Shundie.
And by “new favorite drink” I mean hell in a glass. I took
one two sips once the mini cinni fell in and was done playing creative bartender. But it’s things like the Blackout Shundie that keep us revved up and perpetually drunk/fat in the summertime. C’mon! No one can resist a mini cinni garnish!
Enough with all of this summer is the greatest time of the year yadda yadda crap. There’s
no a point to all of this. Hmmmm. Oh yes! I can’t wait to see two of my greatest friends tie the knot this Saturday (assuming that I live through this bought of pseudo anorexia, that is…)! This PA is for you two lovebirds, D&B!! And yes. Yes I will dance the night away and partake in sweat-soaked body shots off the father of the bride. Represent!
Hearts + Fat-Free-Sugar-Free-Nutrient-Free-Sadness-Enriched Jello Farts