And Then I Ate the Placenta

Well, have you been inside the Miracle of Birth Center?!  It’s hard not to have something accidentally fall, fly, or shoot its way into your mouth – ESPECIALLY if you’re constantly gagging on the miracle of complete grossness*.  Ok.  My “I wasn’t raised on a farm and haven’t watched enough TLC/National Geographic TV” rant is over.  Enjoy the miracle of birth (with a side of placenta)!

Miracle of Stomach Churning Sadness

My excitement for the Great Minnesota Get Together (State Fair) this year was at an all time high.  I wanted to venture out at least two times, spend a combined 16 hours at the Fair, gorge my face with barrels of fried goodies on a stick, soak in the sun, enjoy free music, people watch(judge), and get my yearly dose of talented seed art.  However, I only managed to make the journey just once this year.  I now present an abbreviated version of  The State Fair Affair 2011: Diary of a Fatty Boomba.

Our early Labor Day adventures at the Fair began with the only appropriate Fair kickoff activity – breakfast on a stick .  The newest from Axel’s was an instant smash and breakfast boner of champions.  The Breakfast Lollipop – sausage patty, corn muffin batter, fried, and topped with maple syrup – was just the perfectly balanced amount of protein, carb, fat, and sugar we needed to fuel our systems and spirits for the remainder of our 8 hour freak fest. 

Over the course of the day, we traversed far and wide to visit the staples of the Fair and indulge our wildest food fantasies.  However, one fantasy that did not come to fruition was the long-awaited apple dumplings from ????????? that one place near the fine arts building.  I’m sorry, but if I don’t want shiste vanilla ice cream ruining the crap out of my dumplings I shouldn’t have to pay the same price ($6 rip).  Therefore, I’ll stick it to you this year and forego the joyous moment when the first bite of dumpling dumps itself into my mouth.  Damn.  I’ll hit you back next year, dumps!

In lieu of explaining every item of food I tried and ate at the fair, please enjoy the lovely spread below of everything I put in my mouth that fateful day. 


Faves:  Breakfast Lollipop, Manny’s Torta, Mini Donuts, Sweet Corn Ice Cream with Blueberry Sauce

Letdowns:  Onion Rings, Deep Fried Cookie Dough, Mustard Chapstick

Ah, what a perfect day.  AND THEN I WEIGHED MYSELF.  Yes, the most accurate weight scale was perched in the Education Building (?) just calling to me.  Now, it’s been almost four months since the end of the Meltdown, and I had a feeling that I (magically) put lbs back on since its end.  Suspicions confirmed.  Thank you, mister most perfect and accurate scale in the whole world that we just have to bring it to a place people eat themselves stupid and prove to them that they’re fatter than sin.  Eight full pounds of summer glory and proud of it.  Eat that, scale!  Literally. Please. 

 Official print out of my 8lb glory baby.

Well now that the Fair is over and I’m back to eating food on a plate and not on a stick, things are finally leveling out.  My autumnal spirit is in full swing – cardigan sweaters, tall boots, the smell of school supplies, and obscene amounts of squash consumption.  Pip pip!

Hearts & Harvest Fruit Farts

*I know that giving birth is a “beautiful” thing.  I can’t help that it churns my stomach and makes me want to sew it up down there.  More than likely, however, I will enter into the Birthing Hall of Fame under a host of injected pain-killing drugs/va-jay-jay enhancers and look back on it as a beautiful thing.

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