The Tire Chub Roll

There was a time when I was keeping this blog alive as Ellen busied herself with “more important matters”, and now the tables have turned, it would seem.  My “more important matters” included two trips to the State Fair with the food-consumption mentality of a 9-year old with a couple of Benjamins burning in her pocket and no parental supervision (though, coincidentally, I did go with my parents).  This acted as a Thanksgiving of sorts… you know, where you treat your body so poorly in such a short period of time that afterwards you think, “Well, my body and any aspirations to lead a healthy, active life are already ruined.  Might as well go out for Mexican food and chase it with a pint of ice cream and a chocolate bar tomorrow”*.

I’ve also been working “too much” to go to the gym.  Wah, wah, damn baby (me, of course. I can be hard on myself, guys.  This is getting real).  Aside from the time commitment, work requires me to wear pants now.  If you’ll recall, I gave them up for Lent or whatever, just ’cause Jesus came to me in a dream and told me to be sexier and enjoy a fun, floral-patterned summer.  I was pants-free from March to September and couldn’t be happier.  In that window of time, forgiving elastic-waisted skirts and flowy dresses neglected to keep me in check.  Now — HOLY SPARE TIRE CHUB — I hate pants (and myself, like, only a little bit).

My pants and shirts abscond from their desired locations, leaving an exposed chub roll that I must constantly attempt to hide by tugging at my garments.  You might think, “Oh!  If your pants are falling down, they are too big!”, but you’d be wrong.  They sneakily roll down because my chub overcomes them with its fury.  DOIHAVETOSTARTSHOPPINGATWALMART!?  Buy some comfy sweat pants and drown in XXL men’s t-shirts so I needn’t have a clue as to what my body looks like?

This morning I found myself waxing poetic about all the delicious pumpkin desserts to come in the month of October (if you need to know: pumpkin mousse, pumpkin bars, pumpkin-butterscotch cookies, pumpkin cheesecake… yes, I did have to say pumpkin every single time).  I went on to imagine all the rich comfort food that awaits in November, finally closing with the wondrous culinary delights of the holiday season.  How does one keep in check?  By thanking evolution for giving us the desire to fatten up?  No, sir.  Not this girl.  Stay tuned next week for… THE GAME PLAN!

*Awesome, yet coma-inducing day

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