I Haven’t Worn Jeans Since 2010

True story.  It was a bubbly Sunday morning in October and I was giddy with excitement to attend my first official office outing – Vikings vs Cardinals at the beloved/hated Dome.  

As general office slave, I had the task, nay, honor to plan our annual office event.  People were tired of the same old boat cruise on the St. Croix (how?!), and I didn’t feel like putting together a white on white on boring golf outing.  So, after months of deliberation and a sudden realization that my office is slightly man heavy (86%), I decided that attending a Vikings football game would create a healthy level of office boners.   Who doesn’t love brunch, beers, bros, and sports? 

This was it; It was finally time to enjoy an adult beverage or two (actually three) on the company dollar and wear street clothes that would for sure impress my bosses, cohorts, and their plus ones.  How does one dress for a day at a football game, you may ask.  Easy. Jeans, sexy tee, curled hair with loads of make up, and high heels.  Or not.  As I shimmied into one of my three pairs of jeans at 8:15 in the morning I had a moment of clarity – I have not worn jeans since 2010 and for good reason.  If you’ve ever rocked a salty sweet muffin top you can feel my pain.  But squeezing my Levis button into its home created a bakery of sorts that spilled over the top of my jeans.   And those were my fat jeans!  I resorted to plan B – an elastic waistband pair of capris from Walmart.  Shame.  Comfortable shame. 

Elastic is always the best option when indulging in free food, spirits, and the holidays.   Nobody wants to feel the unforgiving waistband of death around their midsection when they’re trying to fully enjoy their indulgences (ahem – an omelet, hashbrowns, some french fries, half a burger topped with pulled pork and coleslaw, two beers, and a bloody mary).

It looks like I subconsciously went a full year without wearing jeans.  Epic?  I think so.  Sad?  Slightly.  But I’m hopeful; I’m hopeful that 2012 will bring jeans back into my life.  And if that means I have to start buying jeans one size larger *shivers with pangs of depression*, then so be it… Or I can just buy an army of jeggings – God’s gift to fat/east coast chicks!!!   2012: Year of the Jegging.

I urge you to enjoy your holiday season as I enjoyed the Vikings game – sans jeans.  Embrace elastic banded and tarp-like clothing this season and let yourself live a little. 

Hearts and Farts

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3 thoughts on “I Haven’t Worn Jeans Since 2010

  1. On the eighth day, God created the elasticized waist.

    “How does one dress for a day at a football game, you may ask. Easy. Jeans, sexy tee, curled hair with loads of make up, and high heels. ”
    Ahhh the luxury of a dome!
    How does one dress for a football game you may ask. Easy. Camisole, Silk baselayer top, woolen or down longjohns, old jeans torn/stretched/loose enough to fit over said longjohns, sweater over longjohn top, borrowed XXL sweatshirt, scarf, stocking cap, gloves, hot hands handwarmers, and feet warmers inside insulated winter boots.
    Conveniences of large bulky clothing: plenty of room to conceal thermos and/or flask of brandy, ability to stash gloves and hats and stadium freebies in there somewhere so you don’t step or spill beer on it.
    Incoveniences: Requisite unwieldy bathroom breaks caused by said beer and brandy. The permanent inability to have a hot photo from a game (perhaps also influenced by Inconvenience A).

    I hope you shall look for your green and gold marshmallow friend at Lambeau Field on December 25th at 7 pm, north wind slapping her in the face. I also hope my rock hard nips do not stick out far enough to poke out Aaron Rodgers’ eyes in the middle of a play.

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