How to Survive the Holidays like a F*cking Champ

Everyone knows the holiday season brings more tension and sadness than actual festive cheer.  Stress levels leave bodies crippled, chocolates/sweets/fat-fats/cheeses/meats are inescapably shoveled into moutholes, bountiful amounts of liquor are sucked down, and credit cards are maxed to the max.  In order to save your personal sanity, take some helpful holiday tips from moi*… and a Xanax while you’re at it.

 

 

Help!  I Can’t Stop Shoveling Food Stuffs into my Mouth!

            The best part about the holiday season is using food to heal stresses and anxiety.  However, it’s a deliciously slippery slope and can easily get out of control.  Here are some healthy habits I’ve adopted over the years to help curb holiday bingeing.

  1. Don’t skip breakfast.  Studies show that eating breakfast helps jumpstart your metabolism.  Mother once told me that it doesn’t matter what you eat for breakfast, just as long as you eat something (regretting you said that, Mom?).  I’ve had cake for breakfast the past three days in a row and I feel like a rock star.  Thanks for the advice, Ma!
  2. Drink before you eat, and I don’t mean water.  Fill up on alcohol before perusing the hors d’oeuvres or sitting down for dinner.  Alcohol helps control food bingeing while simultaneously making holiday gatherings seem more fun/bearable!  So have another winter ale or Tom & Jerry before plowing through that tray of deviled eggs.
  3. Protein, protein, protein!  Skip empty carb overloads and stock up on proteins which help keep you feeling full and satiated.  A couple Thanksgivings ago when I was ready to dive into grandma’s pecan pie, I added a few slices of Hawaiian bacon on top and was satisfied for almost 20 minutes!

 

Everyone is on my shit list.

            If you’re not an insanely talented extrovert like moi, too much interaction with people can get overwhelming, awkward, and tiring.  Try these tricks below and take control of your excessive mood swings!

  1. Take a hidden nap at family gatherings.  Last year on Christmas Day I suffered a 24 hour virus of sorts that made throw up my favorite breakfast egg bake multiple times.  Awful, right?  Wrong.  I ended up napping for several hours under a pile of coats at my uncle’s house and was therefore able to avoid hours of unwanted conversation, verbal assaults from cousins, watching lame movies, and highlighting my lack of video game skills (post script: don’t even challenge me to “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie on DDR because I will shower you  fire and embarrassment).
  2. Get loaded at work parties.  Nothing is more uncomfortable than holiday work parties.  Therefore, get loaded…but not too loaded.  It takes extra concentration to set a “loaded limit” for yourself but you’ll be happy did.  This year was my first “official” holiday work party.  I set a loaded limit for myself and accidentally went one drink over.  Realizing this, I literally RAN out of the after-party as a solution to halt all further drinking…and risk of humiliation.
  3. Out of town family blues?  If you have out of town relatives staying at your place this holiday season consider setting “house rules” to help mitigate obscene levels of annoyance and hatred.  “Guess what Iowa mom and dad, here are the rules for my house: ask before using; bathroom time is limited to 15 minutes; no yawning; pick up your crap/wash your own dishes; address me as “Ms. Precious”; lights out is at 8:30pm; don’t forget to say your prayers.”
  4. Look like hell.  No one wants to interact with someone who looks like hell.  So if you’re wanting to avoid all human interaction, throw on that crotchty pair yoga pants and XXL Sea World 2002 t-shirt and make waves, baby.

 

I Still Can’t Handle It

  1. Stop crying.
  2. Get a lowly cousin to give you a shoulder massage.
  3. Breathe deeply.
  4. Hersey’s candy cane Kisses.
  5. Ice your face to control stress twitches.
  6. Cake vodka.

 

 

I hope these holiday sanity savers help you through the next couple weeks.  And if worst comes to worst, punch a bitch. 

 

Hearts+ Happiest Holiday Farts

 

 

 

*Moi in French means “queen”

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