Super Bight Tutthole 5k

I am but a lowly creature whose motivation is driven by deadlines, projects, supervisor-set goals, and the fear of being reprimanded. Therefore, I excel in test-taking (cramming the night prior), completing projects, following instructions, living in China, sacrificing quality for timeliness, bottling stress, and running mother fucking 5ks. Boom.

At the suggestion of dear friend and newcomer on the post-college “I’m a runner!?” scene, three babeholes and I decided to run the Valentine’s Day 5k. In case you’re living under a foreclosed home (rocks are so 20th century), the “I’m a runner!?” scene is post-college life’s hottest trend… right behind the “WTF do I do now?” and “I’ll take your house red” scenes. This was the perfect motivator to get me into the gym and on the track to 5k success. And on race day Mother Nature blessed us with a balmy -4 degrees, which kept our spirits high and our lady-bits numb. Amen.

In addition to supporting the running community and collecting shoes for adults and children in need, the Valentine’s Day 5k has an underlying motive – they want you to get “hooked up.” Runners are strongly encouraged to sport a “taken,” “single,” or “it’s complicated” sign on their backs in order to “avoid the awkwardness of attempting to do a “ring-check” while running or figuring out how to weave the fact that you’re taken into your conversation with a persistent suitor.” So, like a bunch of desperate chumps in erotically tight pants, we sported our statuses. Let me just say that the pool of “single” men at the race was as small as a super bight tutthole. Nevertheless, fun was had by all as we collectively trotted along trying to forget how the feeling in our hands/feet/butts turned into purgatory-perfect pain.

The three babeholes and I ran that 5k into the ground. When the finish line appeared in sight, I grabbed the bitch’s hand running next to me (which luckily turned out to be one of my dearest friends/hottest babehole) and champed it up across the finish line.

It works well for me to have periodic check-ins, like races and other competitions, to help keep my goals on track. Therefore, I invite you challenge yourself (and me!) to take on activities, events, and/or classes that will help you stick to your goals and make you think, “Oh my god. If only my 2005 self could see me now… she’d shit and then keel over.”

Hearts + Farts


6 thoughts on “Super Bight Tutthole 5k

  1. It’s amazing how inspiring a morning of looking at celebrity beach bodies on WonderWall is…I just ordered a hoola-hoop via OpenSky from Hoopnotica. I am hoping to widdle-the-middle. I accept and admire your call to challenge ourselves.

  2. yaaay! definitely the best trend. I’m working back up, but past 5K to 10K! (after several months of non running awesomeness). But -4 is way more badass than any run I’ve done thus far! Way to go!
    We’ll have to do another one this summer/whenever I come visit!

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