Among many other things, I suck at Lent. I grew up in a very loose Lutheran home that consisted of going to church on Sundays as a time to socialize and indulge in the occasional hotdish. I always considered Lent as an important time in the Catholic masochists’ calendar. Therefore, my perpetually guilt-stricken Catholic friend and I would always attempt to challenge ourselves during Lent, which always ended in complete failure. And as the years have worn on and my Lutheranism has worn off, I still compete in the old Lent challenge and suck at it even more now than ever. Stricken
Case in point: my cup of coffee this morning.
On my car ride to work this morning I listened to my usual morning show (which I actually detest most of the time) comment on the beginning of Lent and what they’d like to give up. “Why not give it another go this year,” I half-heartedly thought as I yelled, “CUNT!” at the Toyota cutting me off. Refined added sugar and Splenda, I decided. Easy!
Fail moment: 8:13am.
Fail object: morning cup of coffee…with hot chocolate powder, Splenda packet, and sugar-free hazelnut powdered creamer.
Have you heard anything more disgusting in your life?
From this experience, I learned a few things about myself. One, I apparently have severe memory lapses after yelling obscenities. Two, the power of morning rituals is freaky strong. Three, I am a slave to my sugar fupa. Four, I can now add “Participating in Lent” to the list of Things I Suck At: Starring Ellen Roth as Ellen Roth. Other suck gems include:
- Freestyle rapping
- Being sexy (goes hand-in-hand with freestyle rapping)
- Not showing judgment on my face
- Listening to voicemails
- Calling my grandparents
- Participating in Lent
Perhaps during Lent people should focus on their strong suits instead of their suck suits. Let us not punish ourselves over inevitable failure but on what we’re truly great at instead!
Yes, I will school another 12 square pieces of pizza with my mouth! Yes, my face will pointedly (and gladly) let you know how I feel about your lack of social convention. Yes, I will sing a great rendition of “Zombie” by the Cranberries.
Hearts + Farts