Office Coffee Concoctions: Death-Delicious Timewasters

I wasn’t a daily coffee drinker until I started my first Monday through Friday, 8am until 5pm desk/slave job back in 2010.  My coffee habit grew out of a need to break the monotony of checking multiple email inboxes, avoiding eye contact with my soul-eating boss, and escaping the chokeable flatulence of my cubemate.  The more shit I added to my coffee, the more time I was away from my desk. 
My coffee concoctions were equal opportunity accoutrement vehicles;  Equal, powdered creamer, half-and-half, Sweet’N Low, International Delights, hot cocoa mix, sweet and condensed milk, and my personal favorite, Splenda, were fair game and all had their moment to shine.  Ignorance reigned and allowed me to create some of the most offensive mixtures to ever touch a cup since 2G1C. 

Two years later and I’m still creating beautiful works of disaster.  Perhaps it’s the friendly film of chemical residue in the bottom of my mug, or the unknown aftertaste that follows a hearty cup of coffee crap, that keeps me inspired to create.  Whatever it is, I don’t really care as long as I get another helping of, “Wow, this is truly disgusting.”

My morning coffee regimen.  And yes, I always drink out of a stir straw. 

 I invite you to take your own creative journey when that mid-morning lull hits like a brick to the throat.  Craving a cup of coffee that tastes like a candy bar?  Indulge your senses with the finest in chemical-laced creamers.  Need an excuse to escape the confines of your carpal tunnel-inducing hell desk?  Take a ten minute coffee concoction brake in the office kitchen and cop a feel from the lowly intern while you’re at it.

 

Hearts + Farts

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