Well, I’ll be god-damn jiggered. I just discovered that fun things can be workouts! And that workouts can be fun. You can even wear a dress and lipstick while doing it. Even you men out there! You’ll enjoy a nice breeze on your man sag in a dress. Consider: the hula hoop. Ye shall emerge from your dry, lonely, joyless cocoon of winter and discover the full glories of life and the nature of happiness, and ALL FROM A SIMPLE RING OF PLASTIC.
I kid you not when I say I was never able to hula hoop until a friend made this one for me a few months ago. Sure, I could get two or three revolutions, but then it would drop to the ground. So this friend (she actually MAKES these hoops out of PVC pipe and duct tape) brought a bunch of hoops to a party, and all the girls were trying them and laughing and having the most fun ever. Except me. I refused to try, because I knew that I was unable to do it, especially in front of people (performance anxiety much?). So I sat and watched, envious of the fun, and later tried in the privacy of my own home (where I knocked down all our Ming Dynasty vases… oopsie!) and it only took 10 minutes to achieve proficiency and cream my skirt with joy cream! PERPETUAL JOY CREAM OF FUN AND LOVE. Now, I’m the hoopin’-est babe-hole this side of Lyndale Avenue (self-proclaimed)!
I say, revisit childhood games of yore! Hula hooping is a great ab workout and as addicting as ice cream, but with the REVERSE effect of ice cream! How does that work!??!! I’ll hula hoop while watching TV, listening to the music (The Beatles are my favorite) and it’s so fun, I JUST CAN’T FARKING STOP! Did you once love JUMP ROPE, or SKIP IT? HOP SCOTCH or KICK THE CAN? Treat yourself to a fun and flashy new rope, a garage-sale skip it, a pack of bright, new chalk, or empty out a shiny can of your favorite beans and call your buddies! The time to play is now!
You can tell how excited I am about this by how many exclamation points I use [read: sorry my writing is shitty]. Mostly because I’m typing this as I hula hoop.