I set out to make a staggeringly perfect workout playlist partially for me to use in my ploy to dominate at the gym, partially to share with you all! How nice of me. The workout playlist has always been a struggle for me– an illusive beast– as most of my music elicits the following symptoms:
- a dangerous blood pressure and heart rate drop
- intoxicated swooning and smirkily crossed-eyes
- removal of clothing down to skiivies to slow-jive clean apartment
and, most importantly
- boot tappin’ all around the town (namely to see these guys on Mondays at the Turf Club)
Are any of these symptoms conducive to working out? No, sir/madame! If you’ve had the patience to indulge in a slice of my (above) YouTube favs, good for you. But that does nothing in our quest to birth a perfect musical orb of heart-pumping, fist-punching (sure, why not?) jam awesome!! URG!!! My disdain for even saying words like “heart pumping” and “jam awesome” PROVES WHY I HATE HEART-PUMPING, JAM AWESOME music. I would rather clip my grandma’s toenails to some nice Hank Williams than listen to a remix of any of those schiesty KDWB songs. SORRY. Anyway, it’s good for those you who like that kind of jam, cause Hank really doesn’t make one want to do much other than eat fried okra and wallow, so you’ve got a HUGE workout playlist advantage. (But good luck in your next cowboy brawl.)
Molly Nelson’s asshole-ness aside, I REALLY DID try to create a successful, well-rounded playlist to share. Then I went through and deleted some songs to refine it… and I ended up with overwhelmingly 80’s crap. Yes, we all know that even great musicians like Bob Dylan sucked in the 80’s, but I’ll be damned if I don’t want to sweat into my neon sweat bands when I PUMP THIS STUFF. (You’ll need Spotify, but hey, it’s probably time to jump the wagon if you haven’t yet). It’s not the great revelation I was hoping for, in fact you all probably jam out to Madonna’s Immaculate Collection on ellipticals across the USA already, but hey, at least you know I’m not trying to burn cals on the Patsy Cline plan anymore. And isn’t that worth something?
What are your favorite gym jams?!