Ladies (and soft-hearted gents) around the world cream every year upon revisiting Love Actually and dreaming that someone out there may be experiencing irrepressible lustful stirrings upon mention of their name…
Sure, it’s Hollywoody (heh. woody*), but it really does happen! Holiday season proposals of marriage and confessions of love are a real phenomenon of which any chinny gal or guy must be weary. Just wait til the engagements pop up on your Facebook feed on December 26th, you’ll see. Spike any warm drink, sit around a fire, laugh and listen to holiday music within a ten foot radius of a mildly attractive suitor in a festive bow tie (or whatever tickles your holiday fancy), and TRY not to feel at least a little love. I mean, really; we hang a damn plant on the ceiling as a weak device to help us along in our conquests. Now, I’m not encouraging your little heart to shrivel up this season, but just wait until the bleak light of 2013 shines upon failed resolutions (seriously, only 4 days flossing?! weak.) and fattened bellies before you go making grand proclamations of love and signing your life away to some chubby loser who doesn’t even floss. That’s real love.
Take a moment to memorize these helpful 2G4C Tips for Warding off Holiday Romance!
- wear holiday mock turtleneck dickies, exclusively
- make eye contact only with blood relatives, and even then, sparingly
- wipe snot onto bare hand, examine in depth
- two Xanax per one Tom & Jerry
- make out with wooden nutcracker man as a party joke, do so again later at same party to even less-receptive audience
- talk about why the winter solstice is actually more meaningful to you as a humanist agnostic
- become a bitch-critic of favorite holiday film stars, e.g. “You know, Bing Crosby was actually an alcoholic and a womanizer. Plus, his face is far too asymmetrical for my tastes. Sure can sing though, don’t get me wrong”
- mention that you read 2G4C
- move to St. Paul, get a cat
- stop flossing
Now think of three of your own tactics utilizing talents/features unique to you. Do you have any specifically embarrassing patches of hair (skin disorders, etc.) that could be brought up in casual conversation with a potential suitor? Do you play terrible renditions of holiday classics on the hammered dulcimer? Any other ideas? Let us know for a chance to win big**!
If you can’t last a whole holiday season without at least a little romance, wait for New Year’s: every single’s free pass for clumsy, last-ditch-effort holiday lovin’. At least you’re not committing to seal yourself to someone under the watchful eyes of God.
Me? I’ll probably be cuddling up with the man-scented flannel shirt I stole from my crush in a Tom&Jerry&Xanax haze and hitting the hay before midnight.
*there goes my credibility, like it was there to begin with
**prize TBD- probably a date to White Castle with Ellen