2013: An Oversimplified Review

It was a New Year’s Eve I’d like to mostly forget. I won’t delve into details – life’s a bitch and blah blah blah – but the multiple shots of dill vodka I sucked down in the privacy of a friend’s basement should give you some indication of how my night went. And despite the totally killer party hard outfit I wore, I anti-partied my face off and found no solace in my dill-flavored friend.

I don’t mean to bring it all down to Sad Town, but life’s not all double chins, work appropriate camel toes, and bubble gum farts #ffs! That’s why on New Year’s Day, with a stale dill taste in my mouth, I took down a Bloody Mary the size of my head, napped for five hours, and briefly reflected on my 2013; overall, it was a meh year that was, for me and many others, I’m sure, a non-stop rollercoaster of events, emotions, and extremes – extreme movement, extreme heartache, extreme headache, extreme merriment, extreme activity, extreme inactivity, extreme theatrics. Now that we’re already more than a month into 2014, I’d like to take some time to document some of my past year’s yay and nay highlights.



Seven weddings and three engagements later, I am the happiest bearded clam who couldn’t be more excited for my friends and family who got hitched or had someone put a ring on it. It was a year of extreme love, and this self-diagnosed merrimentholic ramped up Wedding Fever 2013 by consuming a truckload of wine, busting out Robyn-inspired dance moves, acing all bridesmaidial duties, and expelling enough happy tears to fill an Olympic-sized pool for all of my married friends to play water polo in. And for that, you are welcome. Congrats, lovers!

Work – Nay

I’m still slaving away at the ol’ cubicle and “celebrated” my third year anniversary in December. I have nothing else to say about work…except that my mental health teeters on the edge of psychosis with every passing day, which is something I should probably focus on changing within the next ASAP.

My Body – Yay!


My body is a wonderland of office plush that will, someday soon, train to be a plush Iron Filly*. Until then, pass the cheese, please.

Reunion Times – Yay!/WTF


We’ve been out of college for how long?! Faaaaaaack. Well, I guess we should throw a giant party at our alma mater, get rained out for every event, fall into the mind of the world’s greatest philosophy professor, rage jam to The Suburbs like it’s 1982, ham it up with former classmates over a slice of za, and scream the night away on the karaoke mic. Done.

Matters of the Heart – Nay

“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.”

Apartment Life – Yay!


In October I moved my eighteen million carloads of life into a beautiful, pseudo-derelict apartment in Uptownish, Minneapolis. The transition into solo living has been easy enough for a person who has spent the last 26 years of life sharing living quarters with at least one other person. Since I spend a majority of my non-working hours running around with friends, I find that going home to an empty apartment plays an important role in keeping me (somewhat) sane. As an added bonus to living in my apartment building, one of my best bosom buddies literally occupies the apartment above mine. Can I run upstairs to borrow a cup of sugar, a bottle of wine, and some generic Emergen-C?

Babies – Yay!


The first wave of my friends to get hitched, circa 2011-2012, are now all mothers. Weird? A little, but that’s only because I can barely remember to flush the toilet let alone care for another human. My oldest bestie was the first to birth a miracle of human flesh and Asian hair, and I have thus dubbed myself as Fauntie Ellen. Procreate, my little coupled friends! And then let me hold your baby. Or don’t procreate and we can take an impromptu trip to Cancun!

Well, there it is. Another year gone and another year to look forward to.

Hearts + Farts

*It’s the Year of the Horse. Yee haw, little Fillies!

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