Scandinavian Dreams of Big Hair

As much as I’ve always dreamed of having thick, luxurious, Texas-chicken-fried-steak-sized hair, it’s time to accept that my Scandinavian ancestors did not pass down the genes necessary to sculpt a 1960’s Loretta Lynn ‘do. There is only so much fluffy filler space you can add with a ratting comb before you’re not fooling anyone, not even yourself.  I doubt I even have enough hair to successfully hide a Bumpits. I suppose I’ll have to take solace in the good qualities afforded to me by my Nordic genes: girthy shoulders, steadfast work ethic, svelteness (or the potential thereof), and above-average height. All pretty ok, though I won’t be throwing my ratting comb away anytime soon.  I do think we all need inspiration to accept ourselves unconditionally… but all I really want to inspire you to do is emulate the following hairstyles of which I am unable.

1. Deap Vally


I’m starting it off with the ULTIMATE.  These LA-based, rock’n’roll babes played at my favorite local venue, The Turf Club, and I fell in love.  With their hair.  And style.  And their music. Then I found out they met in a crochet class, and my heart melted/exploded.  At that moment, I took a very lofty vow to make a messy, 1980’s, red mullet my 5-year hair plan.

It will probably end up like this:


…if I am lucky.

2.  Jane Fonda a la Barbarella


Someone once told me my hair looked like Barbarella’s and, though entirely false*, I took it as the greatest compliment of my life.  Barbarella is a bizzaro, 1960’s, sci-fi, B-movie that was based on the comics of the same name.  It later became a cult classic that Ellen’s dad latched onto in his college “dime bag” days.  As he was wont to do, he mailed us a copy when we were in college, perhaps hoping it would blow our minds in the same way it had his.  Alas, we hadn’t enough dimes to make it watchable, but I will always carry with me the memories of that hair.  That’s probably the main focus of the film anyway.

See also:

Raquel Welch

Raquel Welch, obvious babe.

3. Bowie a la Space Oddity


Remember where you were when you first heard the Space Oddity and experienced utter transcendence?  I’ve spent more time acting out the title track while riding on a vacuum cleaner space ship* than I have actually looking at the album cover.  To think, I could’ve been ogling that transcendent hair all along.

Other dudes with great hair:


Gram Parsons.  Hello.

4. St Vincent


Who can be charmingly adorable AND weird and scary as well at St Vincent?  Done.


*Just like the time a bunch of old, possibly blind people at a wedding dance gushed about my amazing moves.  That was the same wedding where Ellen and I performed an interpretive dance a la Romy and Michelle to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time.’

**If anyone feels like scrolling back to my 2006 FB photos, be my guest.

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