As much as I’ve always dreamed of having thick, luxurious, Texas-chicken-fried-steak-sized hair, it’s time to accept that my Scandinavian ancestors did not pass down the genes necessary to sculpt a 1960’s Loretta Lynn ‘do. There is only so much fluffy filler space you can add with a ratting comb before you’re not fooling anyone, not even yourself. I doubt I even have enough hair to successfully hide a Bumpits. I suppose I’ll have to take solace in the good qualities afforded to me by my Nordic genes: girthy shoulders, steadfast work ethic, svelteness (or the potential thereof), and above-average height. All pretty ok, though I won’t be throwing my ratting comb away anytime soon. I do think we all need inspiration to accept ourselves unconditionally… but all I really want to inspire you to do is emulate the following hairstyles of which I am unable.
1. Deap Vally
I’m starting it off with the ULTIMATE. These LA-based, rock’n’roll babes played at my favorite local venue, The Turf Club, and I fell in love. With their hair. And style. And their music. Then I found out they met in a crochet class, and my heart melted/exploded. At that moment, I took a very lofty vow to make a messy, 1980’s, red mullet my 5-year hair plan.
It will probably end up like this:
…if I am lucky.
2. Jane Fonda a la Barbarella
Someone once told me my hair looked like Barbarella’s and, though entirely false*, I took it as the greatest compliment of my life. Barbarella is a bizzaro, 1960’s, sci-fi, B-movie that was based on the comics of the same name. It later became a cult classic that Ellen’s dad latched onto in his college “dime bag” days. As he was wont to do, he mailed us a copy when we were in college, perhaps hoping it would blow our minds in the same way it had his. Alas, we hadn’t enough dimes to make it watchable, but I will always carry with me the memories of that hair. That’s probably the main focus of the film anyway.
Raquel Welch, obvious babe.
3. Bowie a la Space Oddity
Remember where you were when you first heard the Space Oddity and experienced utter transcendence? I’ve spent more time acting out the title track while riding on a vacuum cleaner space ship* than I have actually looking at the album cover. To think, I could’ve been ogling that transcendent hair all along.
Other dudes with great hair:
Gram Parsons. Hello.
4. St Vincent
Who can be charmingly adorable AND weird and scary as well at St Vincent? Done.
*Just like the time a bunch of old, possibly blind people at a wedding dance gushed about my amazing moves. That was the same wedding where Ellen and I performed an interpretive dance a la Romy and Michelle to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time.’
**If anyone feels like scrolling back to my 2006 FB photos, be my guest.