Spring has (half) sprung and so has the button on my jeans. Wait. I DON’T WEAR JEANS. I guess spring has sprung and the patterns on my leggings have stretched to white. It’s time to shed the elastic waistbands and tarp-like draperies of yester season and Iron Filly™ our way into seedtime* happiness. Molly and I are, once again for the millionth attempt, on the cusp of committing to fitness in preparation for the spring hornies, sleeveless dresses, and sweaty summer nights. And the only way we’re going to get there – at least for this year – is by way of the Iron Filly™.
Once upon a time, our dear friend Maggie, cherub of great hair and smooth skin, told us of a fitness badge of honor called Iron Filly™. Developed in the bowels of a Casper, Wyoming high school by Lion Bob** – Maggie’s father, award-winning physical educator, and Voice of the Mustangs – the Iron Filly™ is a set of physical fitness tests specifically designed for pubescent high school girls. The Iron Filly™ encourages the youth of womanhood to challenge themselves both physically and mentally as they spend months training to earn their badge as an Iron Filly™.
Even though we trade eye shadow glitter sticks and incessantly talk about boys, we are no longer pubescent high school girls. Back in the glory days of bangs and braces, neither of us had the option in Town of One Stoplight and Three Trailer Park Suburb to even try to earn Iron Filly™ status. And being the band nerds we were (and still are, for once a band nerd, always a band nerd), neither of us made physical prowess a priority during our pubey years; brass and woodwind trumped all in those days.
Then along came an opportunity to help turn a couple of plush, bass and treble clef-loving ladies into equestrian nymphs. Out of the goodness of his physical educator heart, Lion Bob took time out of retirement to coach up and rework the Iron Filly™ program to accommodate two late-twenty-something flapjacks. We gave ourselves three months to train for the Iron Filly™ – half the amount of time that Lion Bob used to give pubey high schoolers – culminating with a FINAL TEST in early July. SUMMER SANS FLUBBIN’, HERE WE COME!
As Minnesota continues to trudge through winter’s lingering hell, we got a jump-start on training separately and completed preliminary Filly™ testing to gauge how much work we each need to put in over the next three months***. Below is the list of physical fitness tests that we must – AND WILL– complete in July in order to call ourselves true Iron Fillies™.
- Run 1.5 miles: < 12:40 minutes
- Run 600 yards: < 2:15 minutes
- 1 minute of toe push-ups: > 30
- Body-weight squats: 200 continual reps
- Straight plank: > 2 minutes
- Back plank: > 2 minutes
- Side plank: > 1.5 minutes on each side
- Hang-clean-to-press with 75% of your body weight
- 1 minute of pull-ups done with a red exercise band – We may do an alternative assessment instead of the pull-ups
Sure, you could passively read about our Filly™ flops and victories from the comfort of your chip-crumb laden sweatpants that you’ve had since freshman year of college, but maybe it’s time to get up and join us in the challenge! Email firstname.lastname@example.org if you’re in the mood for a mind- slash body-altering challenge in which you could win terrific spandex prizes while being supported by a community of Fillies on the rise. We’ll email you Iron Filly™ specifics, lots of cyber love, and fun chin shotz!
Please note that the Iron Filly™ program is designed for women. If you’re a man and would like to participate, we’ll consult Lion Bob to adjust the fitness assessments for your peen-wielding body. We also recommend that people wanting to take on the challenge should build a little bit of a fitness base, if you don’t already have one, before diving into the preliminary tests.
Hearts + Farts / GIT IT
*Seedtime, as Encarta Dictionary tells me, is the time of year when seeds are planted. In the Midwest, I think that means spring.
** Fun fact: Lion Bob was one of the country’s first physical educators to develop women’s-only PE courses based on the fact that women’s physiology is different from men’s. I am woman, HEAR ME ROAR.
***Stay tuned for our Iron Filly™ preliminary testing photos, expletives, and results.