Shower Drinking for Adults

I’m guessing, nay hoping, that at some point, you all have partaken in one of Friday night’s true splendors; shower drinking.  But hasn’t it been too long?  And didn’t it involve drinking one of those orphaned beers from your last party that’s been hanging out in the back of the fridge for way too long (Amstel Light or some heavy, malty, specialty blackberry porter of which you can barely stomach a few sips)? And weren’t you in a hurry to get ready for the night’s festivities?  Was it–god forbid–a one-time-only event in the dorm shower with your roommate in 2005? If you answered yes to any of the above, then, my friend, it is time to slow down and reflect on what you deserve in life.

The Friday Night Shower Beverage is the harbinger of weekend glory.  You did it.  You made it through another week.  Before you hit the shower, take a few deep breaths to bring yourself into this splendid moment.  Now strip down, robe up, and make your way to the liquor cabinet.  “What will it be?,” your bartender inner voice asks, and you throw your head back to chuckle aloud.

1. Are you offended by a little soapy overspray into your drink?  There are a few drinks to consider in this case.  Anything in a bottle will suit, as it’ll be a far harder hole to penetrate* than a low ball, but only if it’s a top-notch beer or cider that you have chosen, not the aforementioned party-reject beer in the fridge that has ostensibly chosen you.  That beer doesn’t deserve you.  Alternately, if you’re jonesing for a classy cocktail, switch on your clever mixologist brain and craft a drink whose flavors and aromas most closely resemble your shower’s current bar of soap.  A little soapy splash into this drink, and none shall be the wiser.  This works best if you have fancy aspirations for yourself, therefore stocking things like elderflower nectar, rosewater, and non-Phillips brand fruity liqueurs. I suppose this reveals my preference for locally-milled soaps.  If you still lather up with Zest and have a college boy’s stock of blue curaçao, 151, and flat Mello Yellow, then you’re good to go.**

2. Are you an environmentalist, weary of wasting water and energy, so you take a three-minute, moderately warm shower?  Then make it count, you everyday hero, and warm yourself from the inside out.  This means straight and neat.  Bourbon. Brandy. Scotch.  Whatever you imagine Sean Connery would drink in a fine, velvet robe while receiving a foot massage.  That’s you tonight. If you’re taking a bath instead of a shower in a conservative, California-drought-conscious two inches of water, then red wine is your ticket.  A California red. Duh.

3. Are you excited for a night on the town, but feeling a little drowsy?  An Irish coffee could do the trick, but only if you like your showers on the hot, but not scalding hot side of things.  Since I like my showers on the piping side, I find a hot beverage to be too much.  Heat rash is not a good look.  The last time I found myself in the caffeine craving camp, I shook up a fine cocktail with coffee, Triple Sec, and Kahlúa. Lots of ice, lots of shaking.  This ‘coffee martini’ (because anything can be called a martini, it would seem) was surprisingly tasty. Baileys, Frangelico, butterscotch schnapps… any syrupy-sweet liqueur can contend for a spot in your coffee.  Certainly a rum and coke will deliver the upper of caffeine and the downer of alcohol, but how pedestrian!***  Start your day over with coffee, part II.

Once you have carefully selected/crafted this symbolic and well-deserved beverage, robe off and get in there.  Savor this time.  Don’t think about what or who(m?) you’re doing later, or how cute you will look in your new outfit. Just breathe in the steamy air, sip your drink, lather up like an Herbal Essences commercial from the ’90’s (optional), and enjoy the hell out of this entirely private moment.

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*I’d say that’s Friday-appropriate phrasing.

**Please start buying nice soap for yourself.

***Fun-to-say phrase that I don’t really mean.  I love pedestrians.

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