2015: The Year I Said “Areola” In Front Of 200 Strangers

Dear Blog,

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after the past year you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much blogging

….

Hello from the human side
I tried to blogged a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I (attempt to) blog you never seem to be home

I know 2015 was a year of solitude and reflection for you, and now it’s time we say hello again. I love you, Blog, yet didn’t care enough this past year to let you know that. People, present company included, give too many fucks about things which don’t matter and not enough fucks about the things which do like the continual avoidance of blaring social inequalities, the horrifying state of U.S. gun control, the outlandish price increase of almonds, and the struggles of maintaining a pointless blog.

Must. Get. To. Point. Can’t. Resist. Cellphone.

You may remember the better half of 2G4C as a fiery maiden with a milky white complexion and thunderous inner thigh muscles named Molly. Welp, MOLLY GOT MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE IN 2015 AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. I mean, look at that angel! Isn’t she a vision straight from Polynesian heaven?! Please feel free to ignore my Goomba hair and ultra cheesin’ smile – I was just so damn happy.

meportrait-0142
Props to Noelle Bakken, wedding photographer extraordinaire, for capturing all of the best #ericplusmolly moments

 

Now slap a bridesmaid title on this little Iron Filly™, put a microphone within reaching distance, and all bets are off;  below is the 9+ minute video of that exact that situation.The following was inspired by this here blog, The Mortified Podcast, and real life events starring Molly “Crotch-Looker” (née) Nelson and Ellen “Tribal Tits” Roth. I can’t even bring myself to watch this video – even though my Toastmasters training would highly encourage me to do so – but at the request of my beloved Crotch-Looker I share it with you all. Warning: the following contains mild expletives and poor writing/storytelling.

 

September 16, 2004

Dear Blog,

I thought my college career at St. Olaf was doomed. For the past few weeks I haven’t felt like I belong here, until yesterday. I wore my “We’re all going to hell” t-shirt from Urban Outfitters, which was a pretty ballsy move considering St. Olaf is a Lutheran-affiliated institution, but needed to test the waters. A girl who lives at the end of my hall stopped me in the stairwell to compliment the awesomeness of my shirt. Huzzah! Caught one! Her name is molly and she’s 100% pure cool. We had dinner in the caf last night and decided to hang out this weekend. I have a bottle of Bacardi Limon and need to explore campus.

P.S. Molly grew up in a town with two stoplights and I grew up in a town with a prison; we’re basically soulmates.

going to

January 20, 2005

Dear Blog,

Interim kicks ass. Molly and I are taking a sculpture class 5 days a week for the entire month of January, which basically means we get to hang out on the daily and take naps in the art building. We also met a gaggle of other art majors and hung out with them this past weekend. Molly and I (finally) made new friends!!

P.S. Drank too much Limon with new art friends and cried while listening to the Garden State album. Oopie.

 

February 5, 2005

Dear Blog,

The roommate god blessed Molly and me – aka we ditched our roommates and moved in with each other! Our new roommate union is a match made in color patterned-soaked, tchotchke-filled heaven. Not to brag, but it’s the tits.

P.S. Speaking of tits, Molly and I measured our areolas and they’re the exact same size. BFFs 4 EVA.

first year

May 12, 2006

Dear Blog,

Today I became a member of the Second Decade Club! Molly kicked off our morning with our usual Friday ritual by blasting The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love” while dancing around in our pajamas like complete fools right before going to class. There’s really no other way to start a Friday, let alone a BIRTHDAY FRIDAY! I then walked to class only to discover that Molly had blasted posters of my double chin possessed hamster face all over campus with various embarrassingly ridiculous quotes I’ve mumbled to her. She such a thoughtful sweetfart.

P.S. Little does she know I also keep track of quotes she’s said like, “I wish that when I push on my butt macaroni and cheese would come out”; “If I sleep on my psychology with my eyes open I’ll learn it”; and “Pillow. Pillow fight! Get naked, Ellen. We are fighting till these pillows burst!”

funyans

March 30, 2008

Dear Blog,

HELP!! Wait, you can’t help me because you’re nothing but a cyber-thought vault.

Anyway, this week threw me into a retrospective time warp leading me through the past few years of my St. Olaf existence. I’m emotionally preparing for what’s going to happen in about 10 weeks (ahem, graduation), but it’s difficult to do that when I don’t know what the next step is.

I can’t see myself waking up alone, without Molly in a bed across the room from me, not being able to fart in her general direction or eat late night ramen together as we neglect our homework.

Uff da. I miss college and haven’t even left yet.

 

October 20, 2010

Dear Blog,

The batches are back! Molly and I ditched our boyfriends, survived heartbreak, and are roombabes once again! I think we’re destined to be life partners.

P.S. We started a blog together that will focus on achieving top fitness – body and mind. Two Girls, Four Chins because we’re disgustingly cool/relevant.

Roombabes

 

November 18, 2012

Dear Blog,

It’s part girl voice season, meaning late nights of beer and karaoke. Last night Molly brought manfriend Eric, whom I still don’t know very well. All I do know is that his skin-tight, printed polyester shirt caught me for a loop and he makes Molly INCREDIBLY happy. Molly is the Molliest I’ve ever seen her, if that makes sense. She’s Molly on love steroids – always chipper, speaking in a sing-song voice, visibly glowing. My heart is swoll for them both.

11252233_1587226904880531_1844350238_n

September 8, 2015

Dear Blog,

If I believed in astrology, I would instert something here that would describe how the alignment of certain stars, or the positions of Jupiter’s moons created the palpable, cosmic synergy at Natalie and Amy’s joint 30th birthday celebration. In reality, it was just extremely humid.

It was an evening of celebrations on many fronts – the beginning of the third decades, reuniting friendships now spread far and wide, and the upcoming nuptials of Eric plus Molly.

The night of celebrations drew close to close, but I refused to let it end. A handful of us lingered at the party to hold on to the moments we now rarely get to have with each other. At that point, I found myself sitting next to Eric on the couch, just the two of us, beers in hand. In college we would’ve called this moment an H2H. In reality, we merely spitballed from one topic to the next like good friends do.

Molly came up to Eric while we H2H’d on the couch and whispered something in his ear. I can’t help but look at her in awe these days; while I often feel like that awkward 18 year old fumbling around campus looking for my next cookie fix, Molly stood before me like a full-fledged adult, the embodiment of a modern day renaissance woman. I mean she’s a complete knockout who is a great appreciate of music, has the voice of an angel, is versed in a handful of instruments, cherishes beautiful design, is a wizard of the fabric arts, write prose and spits limericks, is a disciple of healthy mind and body, a thespian to the core, purveyor of fashion, is painfully witty and relishes in the absurdities of life.

And there I sat next to her modern day renaissance man, Eric. Separately, they’re two of the kindest, wonderfully weird people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. Together, ugh, no words…expect that they’re a match made in polyester heaven.

P.S. My areolas changed size, I wonder if Molly’s did too.

 

cant touch this

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