Life in the big city isn’t easy. Break up with a boyfriend here, have your car broken into there, and I’m over it. It’s times like those I find myself longing for the comfort of my hometown: the soothing sight of tan cookie-cutter houses, the warmth of suburban bigotry, the security of strip mall commerce, and the overwhelming reminder of my angst-burdened youth. I’ll toast to that. And another. And another. Shots all around! Oh, my god is that John? Gross. TURN UP THE MUSIC. Does thrify even Uber here? what+++ SHOTZ. came stap for doritooes?
Excessive drinking in hometown watering holes embarrasses an estimated 4.5 million Americans each year. The consequences of getting loaded in your hometown may not cost your wallet much but it will cost you your dignity and a sober Sunday morning.
Play it safe. Don’t let getting blitzed in your hometown cost you ANYTHING.
Tips for Avoiding a Shameful Night of Drinking in Your Hometown:
- Visit your hometown as minimally as possible.
- Avoid local watering holes at all costs. Stick to fast food joints, chain restaurants, and diners. Your booth is your safe haven.
- Travel with a support squad of nerds who are only interested in playing Chinese checkers while watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory.
- If you run into an acquaintance from high school, immediately remove yourself from the situation. DO NOT attempt to engage them in any way. DO NOT confront them about the time they equated your appearance to “the fat Mexican girl on Barney.”
- Just say NO THANK YOU to shots.