LaCroix Sparkling Water.
Oh, great harbinger of our 30s.
Trusty steed, deliver us into the light of the next decade.
A decade without want, where all ills are vanquished by thine superior natural flavors and carbonation.
LaCroix, replace our desires to eat fistfuls of Funyuns, talk back to our aging parents, gulp King Size bags of Peanut M&Ms at the movies, slam sugar soda, look at screens, lick the bottom of the chip bag, hate our co-workers, spoon peanut butter directly from jar to mouth, and order a tall whiskey on the rocks when it’s getting late and it’s a work night and what are we doing here anyway.
LaCroix, assuage the ennui left by our 20s. With your guidance, we will not look with fondness upon our past transgressions. Except the funny transgressions that make good stories.
LaCroix, fill us with bursting joy as we step forth into our 30s. Also, carbonation. So we feel full/bloated and thus avoid overeating and boozing. That’s cool of you. THX