2016: The Year of the Mighty Dumps

Are you one of the millions of Americans drowning in the molten garbage throes of the dumpster fire that is 2016? Are you clawing at your own eyeballs with mighty fists of fury to dump the dumpster? Welp, time to grab the Jack to your Rose, steal his door, and ride the tidal wave straight out of 2016. Gotta go. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, JACK!


Foregoing the icy waters for a steaming flow of shit stew, I basically “BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, JACK!”ed my way through this entire year – dumping all the dudes. 2016 started with a bang when I pulled the trigger on a good ol’ fashioned (heartbreaking) boyfriend dumping… and lord knows the dumping momentum didn’t stop there.

Per the advice of a badass babe friend, I made a low-to-no expectations trek to see an intuitive medium a few weeks post-dump for a 20 minute conversation (crying included) regarding whatever it is intuitive mediums medium. Post-breakup Ellen did not want to hear what the medium had to say in the realm of her love life, but she listened anyway because she enjoys cringing; my 2016, the medium explained, was to be an exploratory year full of many fine fellows with no stable relationship by year’s end. CUE LOLZ…because it came true (end of year beau TBD since there are still two days left of 2016, but we probably know how that will go). CRINGE.

I consider myself #blessed with good boyfriend/dating fortune thus far in life (shout out to all my past, present, and future boos), but dating the wrong people, even though they might be good people, and subsequent breakups/slow ghosts are GRUELING. In an effort help me help myself, the medium gave me a “homework” assignment to articulate and understand what I want out of a long-term partner. So I did the homework and put it to the test (aka dating). All aboard the Dump Express! Conductor Ellen on duty. Next stop: Build-A-Mate.

Below is an elementary version of the Build-A-Mate assignment I received, completed, and am putting to the test. I honestly believe it empowers me not just in my dating habits but my life’s big picture too.  I encourage EVERYONE, single or otherwise, to follow the instructions below, reflect, edit it to your heartbrain’s desire, and take action, if needed. If you date someone who doesn’t fit the bill, dump him (or her)*. And if your current ring-a-ding-ding doesn’t fulfill what you need…and it causes you unhappiness/strife/anxiety/stress… consider a dump.



  • Create a list of 30 attributes you’re looking for in a significant other. Think about where you are in your life right now and the following topics: religion, politics, money, family, and lifestyle. Make sure your list covers all these bases. For each attribute add specific details that describes what that attribute means to you. For example, if you put thoughtful on your list, detail what thoughtful means to you in a partner –  Unexpectedly brings me a Crave Case® after a particularly rough day.
  • Create a list of 15 deal breakers

Your top four deal breakers must include:
• No one with any active addictions
• No one with any unchecked mental health issues
• No one who is controlling
• No commitment phobics

  • Practice what you preach




Whether you need to dump a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, event, job, or entire year, know that sometimes you have a break your own heart in order to do what’s best for yourself. Three cheers for a dumptastic new year!


Hearts + Farts


Post Scrot Maybe 2016 wasn’t that bad?



*I am not a trained professional in any field nor do I know your life. Take heed of your heartbrain.

2 thoughts on “2016: The Year of the Mighty Dumps

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