Vintage Fatty Photo #14: Snacking to Victory, 2007

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAm&ms+cheezits+puppychow+twizzlers+goldenoreos+pretzels+mysterybowls+elasticwaistbands = glubbin’ chin glub!  This was probably our dinner.  I can guarantee that I ate the majority of that puppy chow (note my strategic proximity), and aaaalllmost wish I could go back there for 20 snacktacular minutes.  “No parents, no rules, PARTY ALL THE TIME!!” was probably not the healthiest motto, but ‘health’ was probably the worst party theme, and party trumped all. Not that this looks like a party, just a normal Tuesday night in the ArtHouse, god bless us.


Put a Pumpkin in it

It’s a divisive issue in this election season: whether pumpkin flavored baked goods, drinks, and the like are the best thing to ever happen to the human race or… not.  Maybe you sense my stance on this issue already– we never promised journalistic neutrality, so get over it, pumpkin haters.  I know I use the phrase “makes my heart explode with joy” to describe many things, but do not take me lightly when I say pumpkin consumption season makes my heart explode with joyI used bold, cause I really meant it (and italics cause I’m being an asshole).
I blame smart phone technology for the conversion of my brain from one capable of creating eloquent, flourishing, descriptive sentences (I’m really stretching here) to one barely being able to make a cohesive list of bullet points without pausing to watch some cat vids or make some toast.  See?  That was a terrible sentence.  I’ll try again:

  • college brain: write good
  • today brain: is that toast burning?  did I put on clean underwear yet today or not?  does google know or should I just guess?

I think my point was going to be to make a list of the best of Pumpkin infused consumables in the Cities, so I’ll do that:

  • LUCIA’S Pumpkin Bar with Cream Cheese Icing.  Kill me now, for I shall never be happier.
  • LUCIA’S Pumpkin Butterscotch Cookie (clearly I’m biased toward my former employer).  Cakey and thick (Hey!  Like me!), an undeniably excellent pairing, if a bit unusual (Hey! Like me!).
  • BAR’S BAKERY Pumpkin Cookie.  Also cakey.  I don’t usually go for the cakier cookies, but this one bridges the cookie/scone gap in a really terrific way.  Not to mention that frosting will make your eyes roll back in your head in that way.
  • SOUTHERN TIER PUMPKING ALE.  I scored this brew at the Amsterdam and Muddy Pig.  Not too sweet, the pumpkin perfectly enhances the belly-warming fall ale.  Aaaand, it packs a punch with an alcohol content of 8.6%.  Good for your wallet, good for your soul, good for helping you get the nerve to get that pumpkin tattoo that you’ve never wanted.

Go forth in your quest, harvest-fruit enthusiasts, and let me know if I’ve missed any!

Amen. GIT IT.

I fall in love with anyone who gives me a baked good– usually the poor person at the bakery who has to deal with my outlandish enthusiasm.   Have I mentioned that my first crush was the Schwan’s man?  Not only did he have a mustache, but he brought ice cream every time he came over.  No brainer.


Frustrated by the stagnant American political climate in this election season?  There IS another option, friends!  Join the MASON JAR PARTY and work together for peace, perfect snack storage, waste elimination, and a brighter tomorrow through the omniscient vessel of glory!

Yeah, yeah, ok.  So it was my weak attempt at a socialist-y plug for Mason Jars, but I needed a hook to get you listen to me wax poetic (once again) about a major player in the simpler life: THE MASON JAR!  ARE YOU DEMOLISHING EVERYTHING AROUND YOU IN A RAGE OF EXCITEMENT!?!  I hope so, my friend, I hope so.

Once, from afar, I saw a man eating a healthy snack out of a Mason Jar, and I thought I was in love… but that’s a story for a rainy, romantic day (though that’s pretty much the whole story in that one sentence).  Moving on…

Love of the Mason Jar runs deep in my blood.  From my great-grandmother who preserved the best of the summer’s harvest in jars for use throughout the cold, Northern Minnesota winter, to my own mother who advocates using the Mason Jar to store any damn thing from paint to rocks, I have been forever enamored with its vast utility.  

Just a few things you can store in Mason Jars:

  • bulk grains from the coop- do your part to eliminate wasteful packaging!
  • veggie stick snacks
  • smoothies
  • paperclips 
  • homemade hummus
  • fireflies and a cute little toothpick palace/hut you spent restless hours making for them
  • home-brewed kombucha–I’m taking a class on this… get ready for some scoby sobs from me later
  • toenail collection
  • plastic toy collection
  • celebrity hair clippings collection
  • collections of things in general
  • ice tea
  • candy embedded with razor blades
  • buttons
  • brownie sand art
  • dumb mementos, flowers, lights and other adorable craps for your adorable, stupid wedding
  • a strong mint julep for me to drink at your wedding- I won’t* get surly, don’t worry
  • friends that you’ve accidentally shrunk to the size of ants after you were granted one wish from a genie you didn’t take seriously and then Oh FUCK your friends are now really tiny and you’ve run out of wishes and oh, molly! how are you going to get out of this one…!?!
  • healthy snacks to eat in public places to make healthy-men-loving women fall in love with you from afar- wearing vintage Levi’s, Warby Parker’s, and a woolen plaid jacket wouldn’t hurt either.  You could also be chopping wood or nurturing some baby ducks.  Just a couple of loose suggestions.  Using our blog to design my ideal man again.  What else is new?
  • preserves- duh


Comradette Molly

*probably might

Top 5 Worst Desserts According to Ellen (Who is Almost Always Right)

I’d rather eat mouse turds than the following desserts:

5.  French Silk Pie

I know a lot of bridges are burning because of this bold statement, but I cannot let this one go unnoticed.  Now, French silk pie used to be the only pie I’d eat.  However, once my taste buds matured and I got over myself, I quickly realized that French silk is a poor excuse for a pie.  It’s the pubescent pie – awkward, sad, not everyone’s favorite, run of the mill/invisble to cool people who love and appreciate other pies.

4.  Rainbow Sherbert

More like rainbow barf.  I know it’s not creative, but I honestly get a little stomach ache when I look at pictures of it.

3.  Suckers

What?!  Their flavors don’t even taste like the real deal?  Maybe that’s what grapes, oranges, lemons, and raspberries taste like in hell.  No thank you.  I’ll aim for something a little more appetizing in the afterlife.  But it’s a hot picture, right?  Right.

2.  Cotton Candy

Makes my teeth too sad.  Plus, it tastes like bratty kids and sexually active teens… at the same time.

1.  Shaved Ice

THE WORST.  Firstly, for those of us who suffer with sensitive teeth, this creative dessert is literally a nightmare.  Secondly, can’t we all graduate to popsicles instead of cups of ice daggers drenched in fake flavor syrup sadness?   Yikes.  Remember suckers, the third worst dessert ever?  Well, shaved ice is just a cold version of a sucker with more hydration power.

Well, there you have it.  Please let me know if  you have an even better worst dessert I forgot to mention.  But for now, I need to cleanse my tainted chi with a chunk of fudge.     

Hearts + “Corn syrup is fine in moderation, just like everything else!” Farts 

Scattered Sushi Salad

I got an amazing new cookbook, The Moosewood Restaurant Cooks for Health.  My mom gave me the original Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Katzen for my 13th birthday (when I was a young vegetarian), and I have loved many of their healthy, tasty recipes since then (though I do eat meat now in moderation).  Last night, I decided to play wifey and make something for Ellen when she got home from work: Scattered Sushi Salad.  Picture a vegetarian sushi roll that has been exploded by a tiny stick of dynamite. Brown rice (healthier, and tastier too, in my opinion), shredded carrots, scallions, steamed broccoli,  sesame oil, soy sauce, and rice vinegar all tossed together and garnished with toasted sesame seeds, nori, and strips of egg.

The most fun part was toasting the nori (dried sheet of seaweed traditionally used to roll up sushi) over an open flame before crumbling it up.  It may have started on fire a couple of times, but I was like an eager child with an appetite for marshmallows and little patience to wait.  But this time, instead of caramelized sugar puff balls, I just couldn’t wait for that dried, flaky, green sheet of plant!

I may have put wifey #2 (which is Ellen- I am wifey #1, I guess, in this situation) to work a little.

The finished product.  See how nicely plating your food can be a healthier and more mindful way of eating v.s. chowing down x-amount of cottage cheese straight out of the tub while standing at the fridge with the door open looking for something else to inhale?

Ellen enjoys her last bite over and over while doing “The Molly Shovel.”  (Only the easiest way to clean your plate!)

Yes, you can blend that!

Greatest, most nutritious, most easily digested, most versatile post-workout pick-me-up/snack/meal/party favor?  THE SMOOTHIE.  You just put anything that is delicious into the blender, puree, and you have the greatest food on earth!  No wonder smoothie shops have popped up all over the nation, even in my hometown of Morris.  But wait, maybe people don’t realize that smoothies can be cheaper and just as delicious, if not more so, at home… unlike my childhood neighbor, who bragged about the “homemade big macs” they made.  NO WAY were those as good as McD’s*.

*my thoughts as a child.

Is it cleaning the blender that deters you? Best advice: drop $50 at Target on a Kitchen Aide immersion blender.  Easy clean-up, and it can be used as a weapon if strangers intrude during your smoothie makin’ (as long as they stay within reach of the cord).

Pretty much anything can be delicious in a smoothie if you play it off right.  Some especially tasty ones I’ve made recently: 1. ginger, pomegranate juice, yogurt, banana, and spirulina, 2. frozen mango, milk, cinnamon, almond extract, and orange juice.  (Ellen’s faves: 1. banana, raw oatmeal, honey, cinnamon, and yogurt,  2. frozen banana, avocado, yogurt, and shaved coconut.) See now, if I had a smoothie shop, I could also give them kooky fun names, but we’ll leave that b.s. to the professionals.

Choose some fruit: blueberries, strawberries, mango, avocado, banana, pear…  Trader Joe’s has a good selection of affordable frozen fruit.  Seedy fruits like raspberries and blackberries are o.k. if you like drinking liquid sandpaper.  Citrus fruits work best in juice form.

Choose some liquid: any kind of fruit juice, kefir, milk, iced green or herbal tea, greek yogurt…

Choose a little something for kick: ginger root, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, vanilla extract, almond extract, peanut butter, squeeze of lime…

Choose something weird: cooked oatmeal, frozen edamame (a tasty soybean for protein), wheatgrass, spirulina (a bizarre, green nutritional substance you can buy in powder form at the coop.  The Aztecs called it “stone excrement”.  YUM!), green leafies like parsely or cilantro, kitchen sink… ???

Anything, really, but do use your good sense.  Just picture the ingredients going out to dinner and a movie together.  Would Peanut Butter and Lime go out on a second date?  Not a chance.  But for Lime and Avocado, it might be love!  Then picture who of their friends would be at the wedding.  Cilantro?  Probably the best man!  Apple juice?  The bride’s personal attendant, holding the show together.

This is just a basic outline.  Want to try a caprese salad smoothie during tomato season?  Sure!  Blend up some basil and tomato with S&P, and sculpt a straw out of fresh mozzarella!  Sky’s the limit, as they say.