New Header, New You(s)!

Ellen and I have had raging lady crushes on the work of illustrator Emily Joynton for some time now– take a look, and you’ll see why. We decided to put our money where our lady boners are, and hire her to create a new header graphic for 2G4C!

We sent her an email with horrifying reference imagery: Continue reading “New Header, New You(s)!”

(Variety Show) Birth Reflections & Video Proof It Happened

One month postpartum (of the creative endeavor kind) and we are more depressed now than ever. We’re already starved for the stage, the lights, the palpable energy, the endless amounts of Sambuca sipping turned chugging, the adoring and somewhat confused audience. CAN WE PLEASE REWIND TIME AND RELIVE THE GLORY!?

Through the power of technology WE CAN. Continue reading “(Variety Show) Birth Reflections & Video Proof It Happened”

How Not To Embarrass Yourself In The Presence Of A (Local) Celebrity

Once upon a time earlier this week, 2G4C attended a book launch event for a Local Celebrity/Role Model. With hearts aflutter we waited 45 minutes to meet LC/RM* and purchase her debut book. Not much for Celeb encounters, we didn’t quite know what to do or say. The aftermath of said interaction was caught on cellphone film.

  • Introduce yourself to Celebrity, especially if you’re at a meet and greet event, before you start spewing nonsense or ask for a photograph/autograph/polygraphy/barograph/whatever.
  • Play it cool and be yourself. If you are naturally uncool or happen to loose the shard of cool you do have at the sight of Celebrity, have something somewhat smart/witty/flattering prepared as plan B.
  • Drink alcohol prior to interaction with Celebrity if you’re feeling particularly uncool and especially awkward. Where we fumbled, in hindsight, was opting for ice cold kombuchas instead of ice cold brewskis prior to conversing. Perhaps one beer each would’ve loosened us up just enough to have a pleasant interaction. Note: this tip is only an option if you have a planned interaction; it’s best to steer clear of celebrities if you happen upon them in the wild (read up on this masterfully illustrated wikiHow if you’re hoping to meet Celebs in the wild).
  • Dab your face with blotting paper/an old receipt/napkin/your shirt/toilet paper/moar makeup so it’s free of nervous perspiration/pepperoni grease from your sad lunch. Photo opts are best with matte faces and clenched smiles.
  • Remember: Celebs are just regular people but with better hair and things to say. They probably once fell over themselves while meeting a role model too.

 

 

* LC/RM = the horribly talented, inspirational, relatable, rad, kind, funny human, Nora McInerny Purmort. Pick up a copy of her debut book, It’s Okay to Laugh: (Crying is Cool Too), and read along with 2G4C Book Club Ahoy-hoy!

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Left: Stunning Awkward Rebounder   Center: Stunning LC/RM   Right: Stunning Greasy Pizza

Iron Filly: Preliminary A$$e$$ment$ for FITs

It was a bright and crisp Sunday morning on the corner of 28th and Lyndale. Sprits were high and hangovers were absent – a true rarity for us on a Sabbath morning for the past 9 years – as we met outside the doors of The Shed with Couch* ML, eldest offspring of and understudy to Lion Bob, for a morning of physical fitness testing and thigh burning fun.

It was prelim testing day for us Fillies in Training (FITs); with tasks at hand, Couch got down to business and made us warm up like a couple of pubey teens. At this point in the pursuit of equestriandom, we’d each been on the workout train for a handful of weeks (see visual below) and could already tell that our bodies were growing stronger as we focused on pumping iron and ridding our bodies of booze, cheese, and sins. Yee-haw, little Fillies!

cabbage patch

We ponied up and got to getting. We were full of the Spirit, aka endorphin high from wearing patterned spandex, and were amazed at how “well” we did at not dying and raged on finishing most of our preliminary assessments. For the assessments we didn’t complete within the walls of The Shed’s sanctuary of fitness, we finished on our own #HonorCodeForLife

Here’s how we fared:

Goal Molly Ellen
Run 1.5 miles Faster than 12:40 15:42 15:20
Run 600 yards Faster than 2:15 2:41 2:38
1 Minute Toe Push-ups Minimum of 35 11 13
Continual Body Squats 200 95 140
Straight Plank Minimum of 2 minutes 1:47 1:03
Back Plank Minimum of 2 minutes 1:31 :39
Left Side Plank Minimum of 1:30 minutes 1:05 :57
Right Side Plank Minimum 1:30 minutes 1:04 1:00
Hang-clean-to-press* 75% of body weight
Horizontal Pull-ups*

*In limbo.

Watch us struggle!

ellenpushup

 Resolute Roth pushups her self to glory as Couch ML insists she achieve perfect form by touching titty to towel.

mollypushup

Neon Nelson collapses after a whopping 11 toe pushups; 10 more than her previous PR (that is how fit kids say ‘personal record’, or so my gym observations tell me).

ellensquat

Already a squat queen, Ellen taps into a mystical zen state of mind as she kills it with an astounding 140 Continual Body Squats.  Only 60 more to go, FIT!

mollyplank

A disciplined school girl, Molly holds still in a plank until her abs cry out for mercy.  13 more seconds to Filly-dom, little one!  Now go get on those Push-ups…

In conclusion, we FITs have some work to do. And if you’re goal-/prize-oriented mongers like us, you know we’ll get there come hell or high snow (especially if we promise ourself goodies like custom Iron Filly t-shirts, headbands, sweatbands, towels, water bottles, carrot salads and salt licks once we reach the finish line.  CUSTOM HEADBANDS?!  We’ll definitely go the distance for those).

Want in on the prize/fitness-glory wagon?  All you have to do is devote a little of your time, sweat, and pony heart to becoming an Iron Filly.  E-mail us at 2girls4chins@gmail.com if you’re interested in saddling up- it’s not too late (…but it almost is, so get on it)!

 

Hearts + Farts / GIT IT

 

*I accidentally asked Maggie, via Gchat, if I could refer to her as “Couch ML” when I mean to type “Coach ML”. End of story. Couch it shall remain.

 

Drop Down, Get Your Filly™ On

​Spring has (half) sprung and so has the button on my jeans. Wait. I DON’T WEAR JEANS. I guess spring has sprung and the patterns on my leggings have stretched to white. It’s time to shed the elastic waistbands and tarp-like draperies of yester season and Iron Filly™ our way into seedtime* happiness. Molly and I are, once again for the millionth attempt, on the cusp of committing to fitness in preparation for the spring hornies, sleeveless dresses, and sweaty summer nights. And the only way we’re going to get there – at least for this year – is by way of the Iron Filly™.

Once upon a time, our dear friend Maggie, cherub of great hair and smooth skin, told us of a fitness badge of honor called Iron Filly™. Developed in the bowels of a Casper, Wyoming high school by Lion Bob** – Maggie’s father, award-winning physical educator, and Voice of the Mustangs – the Iron Filly™ is a set of physical fitness tests specifically designed for pubescent high school girls. The Iron Filly™ encourages the youth of womanhood to challenge themselves both physically and mentally as they spend months training to earn their badge as an Iron Filly™.

Even though we trade eye shadow glitter sticks and incessantly talk about boys, we are no longer pubescent high school girls. Back in the glory days of bangs and braces, neither of us had the option in Town of One Stoplight and Three Trailer Park Suburb to even try to earn Iron Filly™ status. And being the band nerds we were (and still are, for once a band nerd, always a band nerd), neither of us made physical prowess a priority during our pubey years; brass and woodwind trumped all in those days.

Then along came an opportunity to help turn a couple of plush, bass and treble clef-loving ladies into equestrian nymphs. Out of the goodness of his physical educator heart, Lion Bob took time out of retirement to coach up and rework the Iron Filly™ program to accommodate two late-twenty-something flapjacks. We gave ourselves three months to train for the Iron Filly™ – half the amount of time that Lion Bob used to give pubey high schoolers – culminating with a FINAL TEST in early July. SUMMER SANS FLUBBIN’, HERE WE COME!

iron filly

As Minnesota continues to trudge through winter’s lingering hell, we got a jump-start on training separately and completed preliminary Filly™ testing to gauge how much work we each need to put in over the next three months***. Below is the list of physical fitness tests that we must – AND WILL– complete in July in order to call ourselves true Iron Fillies™.

  • Run 1.5 miles:    < 12:40 minutes
  • Run 600 yards:   < 2:15 minutes
  • 1 minute of toe push-ups:    > 30
  • Body-weight squats:    200 continual reps
  • Straight plank:    > 2 minutes
  • Back plank:        > 2 minutes
  • Side plank:       > 1.5 minutes on each side
  • Hang-clean-to-press with 75% of your body weight
  • 1 minute of pull-ups done with a red exercise band – We may do an alternative assessment instead of the pull-ups

Sure, you could passively read about our Filly™ flops and victories from the comfort of your chip-crumb laden sweatpants that you’ve had since freshman year of college, but maybe it’s time to get up and join us in the challenge! Email 2girls4chins@gmail.com if you’re in the mood for a mind- slash body-altering challenge in which you could win terrific spandex prizes while being supported by a community of Fillies on the rise. We’ll email you Iron Filly™ specifics, lots of cyber love, and fun chin shotz!

Please note that the Iron Filly™ program is designed for women. If you’re a man and would like to participate, we’ll consult Lion Bob to adjust the fitness assessments for your peen-wielding body. We also recommend that people wanting to take on the challenge should build a little bit of a fitness base, if you don’t already have one, before diving into the preliminary tests.

Morphin' Time

Hearts + Farts / GIT IT

*Seedtime, as Encarta Dictionary tells me, is the time of year when seeds are planted. In the Midwest, I think that means spring.

** Fun fact: Lion Bob was one of the country’s first physical educators to develop women’s-only PE courses based on the fact that women’s physiology is different from men’s. I am woman, HEAR ME ROAR.

***Stay tuned for our Iron Filly™  preliminary testing photos, expletives, and results.

Vintage Fatty Photo #15: Underwear + Tights = Pants

vintage fatty

It was an amped up Friday or Saturday night back in 2005, and this is what we wore as we pranced around campus thinking we were the two hottest sophomore lollipops around.  I can’t say that it’s the worst outfit I’ve ever worn, but the tights plus underwear combo is definitely one of the least complete outfits that I’ve had the ladyballs to wear in public. What’s perhaps even more embarrassing is the fact that I still own the pink polka dot pair of Vikki’s Secret (and that I let Molly borrow them for an evening of dorm hopping and Bacardi Limon shots). Woof.

Hearts + Farts

Friday I’m in Love

Almost every Friday morning throughout our three years of living together at college, Molly and I would kick off our weekend by blasting The Cure’s Friday I’m in Love before truffle shuffling off to an 8:00 a.m. class. It was Friday and we were both in love with college life (see below and note that we were also in love with themed parties).

Image

Image

Six years of Fridays later and I’m still in love, only now it’s adult life that I’m in love with (as I blog from my bed on a Friday afternoon). Thinking that I needed to fill some sort of love void, I joined a dating website last November and have been the most actively inactive user on the site to date. Wait. I take that back. I have a complete profile, answered a few handfuls of public questions, and posted a few too hot to handle profile pictures (not), which is more than a select group of ghost users. Overwhelmed by the entire process, I was/am in no place to judge cyber profiles looking for love. Therefore, out of the 120+ messages I received over the past four months, I have not responded to any (aside from two messages from real world friends). You do it to yourself, Ellen.

“It’s all a numbers game,” as one of my good friends likes to put it.  And she’d know! Over a year and a half ago she met her boyfriend through an online dating website. In fact, we all know a handful of friends, relatives, and classmates who coupled up with their cyber romances. It’s a legit way to meet Mr. Right or Mrs. Right, but in my tiny world right now my game is focused on other things. Before I say goodbye to internet dating, or just continue on my journey of active inactivity, I decided to spend some time to read through my unread messages. Overall, it was a lackluster reading session with a few laughable and WTF moments. Below are some of my favorite snippets sent from a select cyber pool of the Twin Cities’ eligible bachelors and my immediate mental responses.

*I want to note that I know how much effort it takes to reach out to someone in the name of potential love. It takes serious man and lady balls to get the job done!

**Also, boo to me for not responding to those who deserve a response.

 

 

 “…You have a really nice smille. How on earth are you even single?”

I KNOW, RIGHT?! Thank you, Mom and Dad, for dropping tons of $$$$ on my smille!

“Good morning 🙂 my name is XXXXXXX and by your profile and what I can see in your eyes and cool style… You in my eyes are jaw dropping & stunning!!! My goodness!! … I’m a a massage therapist – photographer – musician so…”

Why did I not message you back, now disabled user?! I love a good compliment shower in the morning and your trifecta of professions is every (cheese-loving) woman’s wet dream.​ I can’t torment myself by trying to picture what our first day would have looked like.

“Hey how’s it going, could we talk some time?…”

It’s going well, but I don’t want to talk sometime because it sounds like you’re already breaking up with me.

“Nice jeansuit haha”

I know, that’s why I put a picture of me in it on the internet. Plus, didn’t your mother tell you to never cyber laugh at a lady? Rude. No jeansuit for you. Denim Queen has spoken.

Image

“hi miss yummy, how are you :)”

I was feeling pretty okay until you called me “yummy.”

“I’m in love with your gorgeous smile and that short hair. Have you dated chocolate before?”

I like to think chocolate and I have a pretty close relationship. I once ate half of a chocolate cake the day after I raged on my 27th birthday. Does that count as dating?

“Okcupid has a new deal. Go on a fun first date with me and you’ll get the second date free.”

Does that mean I pay for the first date? I’m confused.

“…Finally – how do you feel about sarcasm?”

It’s the worst *rolls eyes, points banana gun towards own head*

“Also, I like how you’re trying to wean yourself off spellchecker in regards to ‘occasionally’, I think we all have a few words here and there that are brains stubbornly refuse to spell correctly. It takes time and effort, but making oneself better, even in small ways, is a very important aspect of life.”

Great insight. Looks like you’re on a similar journey as well.

 

Get your Friday lovin’ on where ever you may find it!

Hearts + Farts

P.S. I shall leave you with this 50 Shades of Greyesque message sent to me last December. I have nothing else to say about this except that the person who sent it to me was almost immediately kicked off of the website.

.well she was working from home that day. dressed in just a pair of shorts and a tank she wasn’t really prepared for visitors, i thought why not stop by though. she had told me the day was awfully stressfull over texts, so maybe i could help. i let myself in, saw her on the computer agonizing over the last project she is trying to finally finish. i thought i may have a good hour over lunch before i have to be back to the office….could i help? i slowly walked, without her knowing, closer to her in the chair. my hands slid over her shoulders, her skin milky smooth as i massaged her neck and shoulders…..a gently moan came from her lips as i slid my hands down past her shoulders around her edges of her nipples..tickling them slowly, my fingers ran across them gently as they hardened. she uncrossed her legs and began to moan even louder. i slipped off her top exposing her beautiful breasts and flipped her around…taking them into my mouth one by one..my c*ck growing in my pants..

Gingers Gone Tropical

tropicalginger

Me and my dry, lefse-white* skin are taking our first ever tropical vacation!  The trifecta of white sand beaches, sizzling sun rays, and fruity, umbrella-wearing drinks seems to appeal to everyone… but it never really did much for me.  I like museums.  And kitschy road side attractions.  And picnics in national parks. You know, real adventure.  Maybe I was always turned off by such an excursion because some people go just to get orange-tan and drink gut bomb rum drinks.  Just to lay on the beach and work on their skin cancer.  Yes, I’m an SPF 299-wearing, antioxidant-eating gal from the “you can STILL have a ton of fun while taking easy preventative measures!” school of thought.

But then I realized my regular taste in fashion pretty much is tropical vacation, and wouldn’t shopping for new clothes for the voyage lift your spirits from this 50-days-below-zero MN weather streak!?? So I started hunting for vintage Hawaiian dresses, ’60s Hollywood sunglasses, a thrifty and tacky ’90s “I-think-that-was-my-mom’s!” swimsuit, loud, color-saturated maxi dresses, and, of course, one giant, perfect sun hat to shield my precious, milky-white exterior.  Well, PLUS, this isn’t just any tropical holiday; we’re going to be sailing/living on the high seas in a catamaran captained by Boyfriend’s father.  I couldn’t say no to an adventuresome, tropical sabbatical from my ice-laden home state**!  Papa S. also e-mailed to tell us there would be a full moon while we were there, and he mapped out a harbor in which we can anchor and watch the sunset, then turn around and watch the moon rise over the unobstructed ocean.  What a romantic!  I’ll be there, Papa S.  I’ll be there in a zebra-print jumpsuit.

GIT IT

*Yeah, so maybe I’m deceiving you a little with Photoshop magic. I was really surprised at how radiant and healthy my skin looked in front of a pile of dirty snow!

**Though I still love its feisty weather patterns and hardy people.