2016: The Year of the Mighty Dumps

Are you one of the millions of Americans drowning in the molten garbage throes of the dumpster fire that is 2016? Are you clawing at your own eyeballs with mighty fists of fury to dump the dumpster? Welp, time to grab the Jack to your Rose, steal his door, and ride the tidal wave straight out of 2016. Gotta go. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, JACK!

 

Foregoing the icy waters for a steaming flow of shit stew, I basically “BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, JACK!”ed my way through this entire year – dumping all the dudes. 2016 started with a bang when I pulled the trigger on a good ol’ fashioned (heartbreaking) boyfriend dumping… and lord knows the dumping momentum didn’t stop there.

Per the advice of a badass babe friend, I made a low-to-no expectations trek to see an intuitive medium a few weeks post-dump for a 20 minute conversation (crying included) regarding whatever it is intuitive mediums medium. Post-breakup Ellen did not want to hear what the medium had to say in the realm of her love life, but she listened anyway because she enjoys cringing; my 2016, the medium explained, was to be an exploratory year full of many fine fellows with no stable relationship by year’s end. CUE LOLZ…because it came true (end of year beau TBD since there are still two days left of 2016, but we probably know how that will go). CRINGE.

I consider myself #blessed with good boyfriend/dating fortune thus far in life (shout out to all my past, present, and future boos), but dating the wrong people, even though they might be good people, and subsequent breakups/slow ghosts are GRUELING. In an effort help me help myself, the medium gave me a “homework” assignment to articulate and understand what I want out of a long-term partner. So I did the homework and put it to the test (aka dating). All aboard the Dump Express! Conductor Ellen on duty. Next stop: Build-A-Mate.

Below is an elementary version of the Build-A-Mate assignment I received, completed, and am putting to the test. I honestly believe it empowers me not just in my dating habits but my life’s big picture too.  I encourage EVERYONE, single or otherwise, to follow the instructions below, reflect, edit it to your heartbrain’s desire, and take action, if needed. If you date someone who doesn’t fit the bill, dump him (or her)*. And if your current ring-a-ding-ding doesn’t fulfill what you need…and it causes you unhappiness/strife/anxiety/stress… consider a dump.

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Build-A-Mate

  • Create a list of 30 attributes you’re looking for in a significant other. Think about where you are in your life right now and the following topics: religion, politics, money, family, and lifestyle. Make sure your list covers all these bases. For each attribute add specific details that describes what that attribute means to you. For example, if you put thoughtful on your list, detail what thoughtful means to you in a partner –  Unexpectedly brings me a Crave Case® after a particularly rough day.
  • Create a list of 15 deal breakers

Your top four deal breakers must include:
• No one with any active addictions
• No one with any unchecked mental health issues
• No one who is controlling
• No commitment phobics

  • Practice what you preach

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Whether you need to dump a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, event, job, or entire year, know that sometimes you have a break your own heart in order to do what’s best for yourself. Three cheers for a dumptastic new year!

 

Hearts + Farts

 

Post Scrot Maybe 2016 wasn’t that bad?

 

 

*I am not a trained professional in any field nor do I know your life. Take heed of your heartbrain.

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We are All Judgemental Assholes: The Rural/Urban Divide

Urban people are not assholes if they:

  • sprinkle nutritional yeast and drizzle melted ghee on popcorn
  • sip locally-roasted brew while working on their Macbook Airs in coffee shops while St. Vincent plays
  • bike 10 miles to work everyday in the winter because they care about their impact on the environment
  • participate in Black Lives Matter protests, even though they’re fortunate and white
  • buy the Stranger Things soundtrack on vinyl
  • complain about the quality of a play they paid $65 to see
  • eat avocado toast and go to yoga every morning
  • find spiritual healing at a meditation center
  • drink local bourbon barrel-aged beer
  • travel to India to increase their cultural awareness
  • decide not to have kids because of the uncertain environmental future of their planet
  • keep in touch with their favorite professors from their small, liberal arts alma mater
  • binge-watched Making a Murderer, found it a fascinating glimpse into rural life
  • ask for donations to Planned Parenthood for Christmas instead of gifts
  • talk about their outrage surrounding human rights violations
  • can’t believe Google Maps says the nearest coffee shop is a 45 minute drive from the rural lake town they’re visiting for 4th of July
  • think of the movie Deliverance while canoeing
  • order a salad (hold the ham and chicken) and a baked potato (hold the bacon) when dining in a small town restaurant

 

Rural people are not assholes if they:

  • eat Swanson Chicken Pot Pies sometimes when they’re tired after a long day of work
  • drive to a nearby store instead of walking because it’s easier
  • listen to the local country music station
  • go to church every Sunday
  • buy GMO produce because it’s cheaper and looks nicer
  • drink Coors Light while attending a Friday night fundraiser dance at the Fire Station to benefit a local woman with a life-threatening illness
  • say, “Well, that’s differ’nt” about some new, brightly-colored benches in the city park
  • study auto mechanics at a tech school
  • have never met a transgender person
  • vacation at a resort in Florida to relax and recharge
  • have three kids before the age of 30
  • direct the children’s Christmas program at their church
  • talk about their outrage regarding tax hikes
  • binge-watched Portlandia, laughing at how ridiculous city-people can be
  • get so stressed out driving to and parking in the city that they can’t enjoy the pro baseball game they paid so much to see
  • can’t pronounce “quinoa”, have never heard of ghee
  • think it’s funny to ask an urban person how far away something is and they respond in minutes instead of miles

 

We ALL:

  • feel judged when we’re out of our comfort zones
  • are assholes who micro-judge and oversimplify other people’s experience

GIFS: A STATE OF EMERGENCY

Ring the alarm! IT’S A HOLIDAY WEEKEND, and you know what that means… good, ol’ American binge drinking!

You can ditch the chilled bottle of Rumchata in the parking lot and leave the 24-pack of Natty Ice in the basement; we’re talking LaCroix sparking water, you parched fool! DO NOT  Continue reading “GIFS: A STATE OF EMERGENCY”

How to Wear a Dickey

Reader, you don’t need a how-to, because dickeys go with evvverything! Watch:

Athletic Wear

baseball

Going out for DQ after the big Little League game?* Warm up in that Brazier and gain respect of other Dilly Bar patrons with a wool sweater dickey! The crowd parts ways as you enter and everyone looks in awe at that fuzzy dick’. Continue reading “How to Wear a Dickey”